mis perros (my puppies)

i consider myself to be a respectable person by nature, so i won't go and deny y'all the benefits that come with me blogging about my pets. my dogs. mon chéries.

first, let's start with their names: Ally and Lena. what the motha f-er? i'll be the first to say that their names are weird and not at all cute or funny. i mean, seriously. "ally"? could we at least have had the decency to spell the name right?

second, their selfishness: they won't give me (the bitch that feeds them their dinner) the time of day unless i've got food, in which case they grab it with their scary sharp teeth and retreat far away. they put their asses in the air, facing me, and then occasionally sneak a peek back at me, like i'm gonna go steal it or something. right, like i want their dried pig's ear (or whatever the f those biscuits are made up of).

thirdly, their slight mental retardation: the dogs are fucking purebred golden retrievers. as in retrievers that are golden. ever since they were pups they've never been able to grasp the concept of "fetch." they are fucking golden retrievers but they still refuse to ever bring back an object if you throw it at 'em.

if you are eager to play fetch, like i was a mere moment ago, you can get them all riled up and the throw the ball (or in this case, a stuffed animal--their fav) into the lucious green grass, and they'll initially sprint after it. but alas, halfway thru the chase, they'll seemly be overcome with boredness and maneuver side ways and start sniffing the ground. which leaves you standing there pathetically, relying on a slightly mentally retarded dog for amusement. you think i would learn. but no.

i don't learn, and besides considering myself to be respectable by nature, i also consider myself to be slightly slow on the uptake. so, momentarily forgetting her mental and physical flaws, i initiated a simple tug-o-war game with the youngest, Lena. she, mistaking my enthusiasm for the game as an eagerness to begin combat, dug her claws in and scraped my arm like a freakin' pirate.

 then, also pretty slow on the uptake, Lena ignored my shouting of, "GODDAMMIT" and "WILL YOU STOP YOU FUCKING DOG?!" and continued to bite and scratch me like i was enjoying it. at this point, tears were in my eyes and i was getting sick and tired of being beat upon like a Freedom Writer**and pointed my unsevered arm in the direction of Ally. Lena soon started attacking Ally and i was able to escape to my humble abode. i was officially unenthustiastic to play with these stupid dogs and/or enjoy the outside.

and that's how the world became round.




**please excuse this slightly insensitive reference

Lena being her usual snobby self--look at that nose so high up in the air. 

Ally doing what she does best: laying down and contributing little-to-nothing monetarily to the household. typical.