blogtastic: laughed. my. ass. off.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Michael Cera from Between Two Ferns

out of the mouth of my condescending, eccentric, asshole of an english teacher:

[student asking if she's teaching AP again next year] "ha..uh, no. im bowing out." THE WORLD THANKS YOU.
"eating a peach is very sexual. go home and google it."
[on lincoln assassination; in crazy condescending voice] "you don't know JACK about anything you think you know!" REALLY, YOU HAVE TO BE CONDESCENDING ABOUT LINCOLN'S DEATH?! WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM
[for a whole five min] "why is this poem free verse" ...BECAUSE IT IS HOW MANY WAYS MUST WE EXPLAIN THIS SIMPLE CONCEPT TO YOU, DUMBASS
[whitest fucker i've ever met in my life] "Oh I remember him because his name always sounded black to me." [at this time, I pressed my forehead to the desk and whispered to it, "White boy, sit down " ] ...thomp then says "No that was not racist, it was actually artistic, because he associates words with a race." .....what
"You're brilliant and you're black!" im not going to explain this one, just begin judging now
[After saying "no shit" to people's CSEs] "Don't tell anyone I said that." MUAHAHA
[Reads an anonymous CSE aloud to class] "No shit." Reads another one; expects class to repeat; class follows suit "no shit!" directed at some poor student's work. APPROPRIATE
[Student asks when the AP English test is] "Umm..." [A different student answers.] "Well the important thing is to know when AP testing begins, not when the English test is." THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE AND WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS?!
[Student asks what a word means on a test, she answers in her most condescending tone] "There are dictionaries back there. You should've been using that dictionary for a while now if you want to be prepared for these tests." SO, ESSENTIALLY, YOU'RE SAYING: 1. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS 2. WE SHOULD BE MEMORIZING A DICTIONARY IN PREPARATION FOR NOT KNOWING A SINGLE WORD ON A TEST. MAKES SENSE.
[Explaining a really fucky assignment in which we have to teach the class something] "I don't need to learn how to make a bomb or roll a joint. I already know."
[as tornado drill is being announced] "Fuck."
[After reading my quote aloud in front of class] "Meghan, are you going to prom?" ......................................justfuckingkillme
"that's just putting more milk on the same cereal." SURE, THAT'S A NORMAL THING TO SAY
[Replying to a Hamlet question] "pshh...It's not like I have the key hahaha" ISN'T YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE IN ENGLISH OR YOUR TEACHING LICENSE THE MOTHERFUCKING "KEY," YA PSYCHO?!
"I'm working my ASS off trying to help her and you guys are just sitting there la-di-da" YEAH, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE TEACHER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TEACH THINGS THAT STUDENTS DONT KNOW, ALSO, "WORKING YOUR ASS OFF" IMPLIES MORE THAN JUST STARING AT YOUR BOOK AND ASKING HER TO REPEAT HERSELF
"Hamlet is F'ED UP!" COOL, GREAT INFO, I'LL WRITE THAT IN THE AP ESSAY CUZ THAT'S THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GIVING US
[On the shy kids not answering questions] "really guys?! it's APRIL." AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANSWERING YOU HUH
[On what's going on in Hamlet] "haha um... I know no more than you do." REALLY? DIDN'T YOU GO TO COLLEGE FOR THIS? DONT YOU GET PAID TO TELL US ALL THE THINGS YOU KNOW THAT WE DONT
"Do you know why I value Meghan's opinion?" *no one answers/knows what's going on/"who's meghan?" * "Because she is ART." crazy bitch i dont even know
[From the syllabus, under "teaching philosophy"] "This is our mission, and we can do it in an enjoyable, passionate, and comfortable environment." YEP, IF I COULD ONLY DESCRIBE THAT CLASS IN THREE WORDS IT WOULD BE "ENJOYABLE" "PASSIONATE" AND "COMFORTABLE" FO SHO!!!!
[To the class, laughingly, part of a 10 minute discussion of this development] "Someone sent pages from my Facebook to the principal, as they thought it was cause for concern..Who would do that?!" YEAH, THAT'S PROFESSINONAL, TO DISCUSS SOMEONE TURNING YOU IN WITH YOUR STUDENTS.
[To me in front of class] "Do you spell your name with an 'h'?" OK I GET IT CAN BE CONFUSING BUT BITCH I HAVE TURNED IN SO MANY DUMBASS ASSIGNMENTS TO YOU WITH MY NAME PERFECTLY TYPED AND PLUS DONT YOU TAKE ATTENDANCE EVERY DAMN DAY?! WTF YES
[about my cell phone extensively vibrating during a test] "One time that happened to me in court and the judge made me cry, so I'm not a bitch about it."
[this is not a real quote but is indirectly what she said through the substitute:] "today on december 23rd when 89% of you are skipping school and i am too, i want you to take two pages of notes on a fishbowl discussion that absolutely no one will monitor and which will have no grade. you must turn the notes into the basket by the end of the hour."
[on skipping school] "ehh...not the worst sin you can commit.*shrugs*" ...idk...
"I really love your tights, Meghan. Would it be cool if I bought a pair?" FUCK NO BITCH
"I love you guys!" NOOOOOO
[telling a story] "who the FUCK put my poopy clothes in the dryer?!"
"flat- meaning one-sided." REALLY?! IS THAT WHAT FLAT MEANS?!
"being drunk is funnnn"
"I don't give a damn about how you do on the test in the spring."
To her son's girlfriend, a student in our class: "You may be excused from our sexuality discussion. I already know wayyyyyy too much about your sex life." "YEAH!" says girlfriend, blushing.
"If any of you truly believe that we accept abnormality in 2011, that's a crock of shit."
"The sea is representative of some deep, heavy shit."
"My lover asked if I would still love him if he was missing toes. And I said, that depends, do you still have your fingers...?"
"Do you want to read or write today?" Read. "Pussies."
"Intelligence is much sexier than hanging boobs" [referring to a former student]
"I'm not gonna go through with this...I'm very feminine that way."
"I don't know why but your questions are annoying the hell outta me."
[During the reading of her poem about her hysterectomy]: "While lovemaking, I can feel the full force of a man"

blogtastic

Saturday, April 10, 2010

laughed. my. ass. off.

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