dear desperate housewife of hoodbury lane

dear BITCH,

stop giving my number to random bitches in need of babysitters. why would anyone else want your sloppy seconds? everytime i'm forced to listen to a goddamn voicemail where someone cites you as the person that gave them my number, i'm completely stunned. especially given that you never hired me again after your shitbag of a husband insisted on driving me home (normally a minute - a minute and half walk) in his corvette, which you kept calling "the corvette" instead of "the car" like a fucking bitch. especially given that on the gazillion other times i've seen you at my normal babysitting abode, you've looked me in the eye but never said "hi" or even my name. just instructions. especially given that I FUCKING HATE BABYSITTING!

i hate you, go die, you're raising asshole kids that are obviously wading in the wake of your giant nasty asshole.

fuck you,
meg


(for those who don't know, my nemesis and i share a name, but she goes by the shorter version)

follow my damn instructions, bitches

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashida_Jones

trust me, the early life section will throw you for a loop. A LOOP.

SHOW ME A FUNNIER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://youtu.be/cKqqD6vSfVk


(seriously, is there a funnier jake and amir???????????)

there is no room for judgement here.

ok, for some unknown reason i follow a non-celebrity on twitter. WHY? I DON'T KNOW. i don't know how i started following her, but she tweets hilarity and i'd like to share a few. thanks. i mean, if she wasn't funny, how'd she get 53,000 followers? HUH? seriously, anyone get it

my saturday night

tonight features a plethora of sadness. it includes oatmeal, a robe, and a documentary on the "history of sex." 

so far, this history channel classic has touched on the "rediscovery" of the clitoris, the pill ("for the first time women got to choose when they got pregnant"...terribly depressing), and hugh hefner giving dumb interviews in which he discusses sex like a cocky asshole. like without him, no one in america would ever talk about sex in public. 

i am so saddened by my life..., she says as she heaps in another spoonful of hazelnut latte oatmeal



oh wait i speak too soon! now the doc is discussing AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY

good burger = good times

what tina would be uploading on her tumblr if she was updating/ what i would upload mostly

 when did this happen

i post this cuz i don't have a twitter

i wish the harry potter and the goblet of fire* soundtrack played intermittently through out my real life.


*note that does definitely not say harry potter and the deathly hallows part two

you want the TRUTH?!

i have a crush on one of these guys and i'll give you a hint, it ain't jake or amir. p.s. let's pretend i didn't post this

gatsby is king

here i am, wearing a dope ass outfit, feeling like hot shit, wondering why i haven't blogged in such a while. i mean, it hasn't been a shortage of a life, that's for sure.

okay, okay, i know. something you will all be able to understand and care deeply about, i'm sure.

my sister hates my car. our car. it's also her car, if i'm being totally honest with you, which i'm sort of hesitant about, but here we go. she hates it and she's embarrassed of it. erin will remember (woah! name dropping!) her tireless crusade against it during a summer-time rantfest she decided to appear in a few days ago. it was disgusting. she basically said: it's embarrassing we have such a shitty car meghan because my friends are so much better than it.

WHAAA?!


it was one of those few moments when you can actually see the RESPECT-O-METER in your head ding down three or four points. you know, i'm the first to admit it's a piece of shit. i will readily warn fellow passengers about its inexhaustible stench, its impractability (removable cupholders, one-way-to-lock security system, broken cassette player, no CD player, etc) and its old age. but for her to say that it's "sketchy" and that her friends have called it "sketchy" is simply an insult to her character, not gatsby's. in my opinion, it questions not the beauty of our car but rather the friends in which she chooses to keep and the superficiality of her priorities. so, if she'd rather not be seen in it, i don't really get why i keep being told to pick her up. she can be picked up by her mommy in her mommy's honda cr-v. right?!!?

BA BA BAM.... this has been nice. 

"there's never a good time for sketch comedy"

Tosh.0
Get More: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

JAY-Z | Kanye West “Otis”

JAY-Z | Kanye West “Otis”

it's not a fuckin joke

every time i'm alone i feel empty, shitty, and then shameful. when will this end?

rupes

watching that was quite possibly the most painful experience of my life, but twas so worth it to hear her call him "rupes"


...AND ladies and gentleman i'm fucking done with this. no more.

jake's daughter

...and not a fuck was given

i don't give a shit, as they say

what?

i can do whatever the hell i want with my blog

 i don't understand the "baby on board" stickers. it's like "well if you were thinking of ramming into the back of my car, and thus damaging both our cars and both cars' passengers, now you best think about it some more. yeah. because you will definitely regret that decision."

one of the many perverted things that went through my mind while watching that movie

feel like most people would disagree with you, luda

hahahahahaha ohhh twitter every day...every day! you never let me down.

also,

netflix should be bringing me black swan tomorrow.
anyone want to come over to see it with me??????







please...?

*krusty the klown laugh here*

fuck it all to hell

this morning i woke up at the pleasant hour of 6:07 AM to the seizure-like pain of menstrual cramps, and i couldn't help but think to myself: wow, this has been the worst 24 hours in recent meghan history. an hour and a half later, the cramps have only subsided slightly (midol! slightly fuck!!!!!!!) and my eagerness to live lively at this time has definitely leveled out at a "fuck it all" point. wow and now my sister's showering at this hour while her friend sleeps in the basement??? (the shower might as well be in my bedroom; the sound of the water and the pipes are almost defeaning.)

this time yesterday i was also up. i did not awake from the natural causes that often occur during the summer such as the light of the sun or the heat of the day, but rather i awoke from intense stress about the day (and night) ahead of me. i kept imagining different scenarios in my head instead of dreaming or reliving last night's damages episode. it was upsetting, but hey, it got me up to get my laundry done by.... 5 PM the following afternoon. and that's how my day went: motivated by the need to clean different linens.

but the laundry's not what made the last 24 hours the worst in recent meghan history

- my fish died yesterday morning. i wasn't attached to it at all towards the end and frankly, i was sick of cleaning the bowl every month... i was becoming quite negligent with poor theo. so naturally after his death (that i had wished for days earlier), i broke out into a sweat and realized what i had done.

guilt poured over me as i removed his lifeless body from his bowl and registered that his death was entirely my fault. the beta fish, ((born into the brutal captivity that is the 3 in. radius plastic Pet Store Cup and saved from the notorious fish-fighting-ring by animal rights activist liz)), only wanted a little peace of mind when i scooped him into the bowl that is my home. sure, this is intense hyperbole, but it's exactly what i was thinking when i buried him in what is now the hoodbury sewage system. RIP Theodore.
_____________
- obviously... harry potter. fully aware that i was in the battle trenches of PMS: Extreme Edition, i set in for a day of lockdown anxiety and uptightedness, as they all say.

i didn't want to see the end of harry potter. i fought tooth-and-tear not to see it. and by tooth i mean i stepped my best Foul Mood forward and prepared to temporarily disarm any friend i had sought days earlier for the very occasion. and by tear i mean i cried uncontrollably at the oddest of times and though i'm less than embarrased now, i'm still very confused.
______________
- when you say/text/imply that you can give someone a ride in your car, it holds more weight than sometimes the passenger chooses to believe.

you are held deeply responsible by yourself, your parents, the passenger, and their parents.

you are responsible for getting people to their destination (sometimes that's their home at 3 AM);
you are responsible for safely transporting them;
you are responsible for their life.

because let's face it: cars will let you down, and sometimes it's deadly. my car let me down last night. not in the deadly way, thank god, but it did lose battery seemingly out of no where. had it not been for some friendly strangers and the know-how of one miss courtney swan, i don't know where my hair would be at this point (the stress was making me massage my scalp at a vigorous pace...)

my point is life sucks. sometimes it seems like god is punishing you for basically, in the eyes of the law, killing your fish by giving you an entire day of cramps.

once i had written all of this out here on the internet, my ideal was to get back in bed and try to sleep more than two hours. but guess what i did, GUESSIT! i opened the door of my bedroom, oh-so creepily with a loose-but-still-very-V-neck shirt on and boxers, to find my sister's friend creeping out of her bathroom, hair soaking wet. AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT THE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP NOW?! WHERE IS MOLLY?! IS THE FRIEND STILL HERE?! HSDFGHID I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I A HATER YO

listen if you have a soul

i'm in love with..... skinny love

that sounds weird

BECAUSE WE ALL CARE - EMMY NOMS 2011

the key

• what i wish would win (i've seen all outstanding drama noms, so basically i should be an emmy voter... and OBVIOUSLY i can pick two if i want tuh)
• what will probably win in my eyes

and if you're like me and think the middle should've been nominated as well as ...

• cougar town and busy phillips of cougar town/freaks and geeks fame
• daniel pudi, community
• kadee strickland, private practice
• nick offerman, parks and rec
• community
• matt czuchry, the good wife

...visit this site  http://www.tvline.com/2011/07/emmy-nominations-2011-biggest-snubs/

______________________________________________________________________________

OUTSTANDING DRAMA

Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Mad Men

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Timothy Olyphant, Justified

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Walton Goggins, Justified
John Slattery, Mad Men
Andrew Braugher, Men of a Certain Age

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale, Justified
Michelle Forbes, The Killing
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Bruce Dern, Big Love
Beau Bridges, Brothers & Sisters
Michael J. Fox, The Good Wife
Paul McCrane, Harry’s Law
Jeremy Davies, Justified
Robert Morse, Mad Men

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Mary McDonnell, The Closer
Julia Stiles, Dexter
Loretta Devine, Grey’s Anatomy
Randee Heller, Man Men
Cara Buono, Mad Men
Joan Cusack, Shameless
Alfre Woodard, True Blood

OUTSTANDING COMEDY
The Big Bang TheoryGlee
Modern Family
The Office
Parks and Recreation
30 Rock

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Louis C.K., Louie
Steve Carell, The Office
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch, Glee
Betty White, Hot In Cleveland
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Idris Elba, The Big C
Nathan Lane, Modern Family
Zach Galifianakis, Saturday Night Live
Justin Timberlake, Saturday Night Live
Matt Damon, 30 Rock
Will Arnett, 30 Rock

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristin Chenoweth, Glee
Dot-Marie Jones, Glee
Gwyneth Paltrow, Glee
Cloris Leachman, Raising Hope
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Elizabeth Banks, 30 Rock

i don't watch these reality shows so obviously i can't vote....duhh

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW HOST
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Jeff Probst, Survivor

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW COMPETITION
The Amazing Race, CBSAmerican Idol, FoxDancing With the Stars, ABCProject Runway, LifetimeSo You Think You Can Dance, FoxTop Chef, Bravo

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
Conan, TBS
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, NBC
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO
Saturday Night Live, NBC

OUTSTANDING TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Cinema Verite, HBO
Downton Abbey, PBS
The Kennedys, ReelzChannel
Mildred Pierce, HBO
The Pillars of the Earth, Starz
Too Big To Fail, HBO

Breakfast at HoodburyCafeany's

I have never believed my father to be gifted in the art of the spoken word. There is no fluidness to his speech, tokens of wisdom are rarities, and he has an uncanny ability to sniffle as he talks. He even has tri-polar speaking disorder, as I have deemed his three different voices: 1. business voice: he says big words (that I fear he uses incorrectly) and a stern, unapologetic tone 2. his family voice: meaning.. his parents and his brother have a knack for pulling out his inner hick and 3. his regular voice: awkward with surprise twists of sarcasm that no fool could possibly see coming (the sarcasam is uncalled for and usually undetectable.)

So when he forced me into going to breakfast with him this morning, I was in no way delighted to hear him speak to me for the half hour or so breakfast takes. My mother and sister are away at an overnight softball tournament, which means it's just me and Thom alone for the weekend ride. Normally this would infuriate me for reasons somewhat unkown, but this time my mother and I are on the outs, so to speak, and I actually prefer his annyoing, hovering presence.

Fortunately, today I was up early to feed Courtney's dog (Courtney, by the way, is not at the softball tourney mentioned and is in fact too lazy to feed her own dog in the morning, so occasionally I stop over to do it for her...lazy biotch.) Being up early has its perks like the local breakfast joint being un-crowded if not semi-empty, which I find oddly comforting.  So father and I stopped in for some pancakes, an omelet and nasty coffee after an awkward one-sided conversation in the taHoe. From there the conversation naturally turned to colleges, in which he asked me all the basic questions that he's asked me 100 times before (he works for an online college currently and thinks he's hot shit) and I answered hesitantly and normally in one or two word answers.

Breakfast hit an all-time low for father/daughter relationships everywhere when we entered the car venturing home. He muttered "thanks" and I, remembering I should probably be thanking him for the food, replied "thanks" as well. After I said it I realized by law he has to buy me food and that his lack of reply to my half-hearted gratitude meant I should've said something else, like maybe, "you're welcome" but then it'd be like me encouraging his ridiculous behavior of thanking his own daughter for coming to breakfast.


And then it ended. .... it was painful so obvs I had to blog about it

the job hunt

There are many reasons why I don't want to get a job. The following should be obvious: laziness, anxiety, patheticness, fear. But there are some odd reasons I don't want one too. I have a lot of apprehension because I have no experience. I have a lot of concern about taking jobs from people that really really need them (though, why would I get the position if an experience adult was vying for it too? Well, if I actually got one, I would still feel bad about that).. I would be very nervous about how I would be thought of in said workplace. I also feel like my innocence would disappear. I have a job hymen and I fear for the day that gets broken.

But there are the obvious reasons I should get one too: guilt is the main one. I feel extremely guilty and glutinous and spoiled and very irresponsible.

Basically, if you have a job and you are a teenager, I have enormous respect for your balls.

it's that kind of day

So I'm watching Superbad right now and I have to say, I'm envious of Seth. Seth is driving his car to Evan's house when he decides he needs to have an urgent chat with Evan over his cell phone. He calls Evan and they have a nice, productive talk about which porn website Seth should subscribe to. Once Seth gets to Evan's house they drive to school, park in the staff parking lot and they get a slushie and a redbull before school.

And I was just thinking...that's the dream.

My favorite saying to help me live with the guilt

ESSSPLAIN IT TO MEH

does anyone know why she keeps popping up here? is it cuz kris humphries is from minnesota?

i would definitely attribute this to me as well.