grand ave.

who has been to grand avenue? interesting place, no? on any given day besides sundays, apparently, it can be filled with young hipsters with cool hair and even cooler shoes. grand ave is like the calmer, whiter version of a city. well, any city in minnesota is whiter compared to any other city in the u.s. speaking of which, there was this episode of new adventures of old christine that i was watching (its a really funny show) and after a few sit-com magical twists, christine ended up listing all the places she could find a surplus of white people. it was really funny. you wanna know the only state she listed? minnesota, that's which. funny.

anyway, i was on grand avenue today because someone in my family (it was me) thought it would be a great idea to take the dreaded holiday-card-photo there. mis-take. for some reason i continually forget that i can't go outside of this suburb without wanting to MURDER each and everyone of my family members. luckily my dad didn't tag along, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been. but molly was being a brat and my mom was saying the most stupid things. and she was acting demented. like i seriously fear for that woman as age gets the best of her: my mother with dementia will be absolutely terrifying.

so we were at cafe latte because someone had the bright idea to take the picture there (it was me) and we were surrounded by people trying to enjoy their lunches. after 10 bad photos my mom said, "why don't we try some with the flash on." my sister responded by saying, "i would rather have one of those hipsters stab me in the eye with their cool, pointy hipster glasses." i had to give molly props for that one. it was embarrassing...being surrounded by cool, urban folk (or at least folk like ourselves who were pretending to be cool and urban...well, my mom wasn't. she was acting like a tourist with heavy-onset dementia.)

finally after what seemed like an eternity we stepped out of that establishment with at least 20 non-usable photos and a bad case of the Suburban Smell following us out. on our way back to the car my mom just had to stop into pottery barn. being cold in my leggings and so-underrated coat, i stepped in to it as well, unaware of what i was getting myself into (my mom and molly would circle the place for so long that they turned into martha stewart-inspired zombies).

turns out, the pottery barn on grand avenue is made especially for middle-aged gay couples. i was surrounded by plaid-clad, dark jean-ed men with perky voices. there was the occasional young, straight couple with a stroller and some snot-nosed toddler screaming in it, but like i said, mostly old gay men. after a good 10 minutes, i got tired of the staring and smiling routine, and the "excuse me i'm sorry that i'm following you around" faces, and asked for the keys to go to the car. for some reason this upset my mom. she took a deep sigh and handed them over. then as i was sidestepping out the door, she decides to yell, "be careful! seriously, be aware of your surroundings." i quickly shuffled over to her, pissed off that she would yell. i said, "what?!" and she said something along the lines of it not being safe in parking ramps, and that it will be overpopulated with weirdos that could hurt me.  it surprised me that she could be so completely dense. so i swiftly replied, "mom. who the heck do you think is going to mug me? that old gay couple, or that kid in the stroller? it's grand avenue for godssakes." and i left. my mom then saw fit to punish me by spending another 25 minutes in pottery barn buying ridiculous ornaments and the such while i waited in the car, in fear that some hipster would beat me up for being so out of place.

yet, this experience only solidified for me that i want to be part of the cool urban crowd some day. as tessa once said, being a vegetarian, i can totally pull that shit off.


thank you, and good night.