Simply a Pound of Flesh in Return.

There was one phrase that drastically drove my mindset for the entire day: I require one pound of flesh from whomever is responsible for this.

I woke up this morning, surprisingly eager to get out of bed. Please don't misinterpret "eager" here...I simply mean, I was physically less inclined to stab myself in the stomach when I straightened my torso. I turned on the television, hoping, wishing, praying, etc. etc. for You All Know Exactly What.

When You All Know Exactly What didn't show up on the goddamn television, I considered crying. Usually crying comes rather unexpectedly (and usually in full force) for me in the mornings. But this time, I had to consider. I decided not to, and immediately texted an anger-filled message to a few people instead. I stated the unjustness in the situation and the need to seek retribution.

When Courtney replied saying that she would be more than willing to play Gerard Butler with me (to the superintendent's Jennifer Aniston) I became very excited. I knew I would be recieving that instant gratification that is often accompanied by grasping multiple ounces of flesh afterall.

Together we set out. Courtney picked me up in her mom's Malibu (her mom didn't have to go into work today due to the snow/cold, so she got the car) and we set off, not entirely sure where to go. After a few hundred miles passed the school we smelled the strong and odious stench of Hell. We figured it was the most logical location of the superintendent's house. KNOCK, KNOCK. CRRRREAK.(opened the door.)

 "Hello, sir. It is I, Courtney," said CourtTV.
 "Why hello there, how can I help you?" responded the superintendent.
 "Well, sir, you can say HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND." Then seemingly out of nowhere, out I jumped (from the conveniently placed bushes) carrying my handy-dandy flesh-extractor. I pointed it at his face, then his stomach, then settled on his balls. I figured those were nice and fleshy, considering.

 "Ahh!!!" he screamed.
 "Listen, buddy. I know what you did. You ruined this day for everyone on the whole planet, and you will pay!" I shouted.
 "Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I am a huge-ass douche lord who deserves to be severely punished," complied the superintendent (or should I say...super douche lord).
 "Perfect." And so I extracted exactly one pound of flesh from his ball-sack region. The flesh extractor has an easy to read scale on it which reached one pound in little over 5 seconds (I only buy top-quality.) The Super-douche-lord proceeded to scream but once he finally settled down he only had this to say:
 "I totally deserved that. I will remember to give you more logical and awesome snow days and cold days from now on."

"Fuck yes!" shouted Courtney and I in unison. We had just saved the day. We knew from the very start that exactly one pound of flesh was required for this little mistake to be forgotten, but we never knew how we would eventually save the world...and beyond.



...and that's what i sincerely wished had happened.