live from meghan's blog, it's new years eve bitches.

hey guys. i thought i was going to be better by new years. turns out...my life has shitty timing. what a shock.

still can't eat bread.
still in my house alone.

only this time its new years. molly has plans. my parents have plans. but my face is too swollen, my jaw too painful, and my stomach too empty to do anything. and all i'm doing this new years is wallowing in a pool of self-pity/loathing, ice cream, and drool.

for a while there i was as high as a kite on vicodin, but then i stuffed in some ice cream, and things got better. this was before i took off all my clothes above the waist and skipped around my house shouting "fuck my life!" and was petting my dog's head abrasively. luckily, no one was home to witness this. except now i'm telling you guys so that was just...counterproductive.

i wish i could hear from you guys/be with people. but my life sucks. and i'm too self-obsessed to look beyond that so i'm just gonna end here.

maybe i'll do homework just to put this night over the top sad. (editor's note: she did indeed do homework!)

bye 2010. i'm gonna go sleep this off.

girl you quick.

joke is on you.


when did you have time to jack my computer?

tomorrow, dec. 31st i want

my mouth to stop tasting like blood constantly.

for solid foods to be edible---specifically, cookies. and a sandwich. bread. yeah. just bread.

pleeease.

also, some sort of new year's plans not involving my parents. dammit.


is it just me or has this break been one huge time warp? i don't know what the fuck i've been doing but it has definitely not been productive. was there fun involved? i'm not sure. do i have a shit load of homework? absolutely. i don't know where it came from....do i go to school? ...where do i live?

what. the. hell.

wisdom teeth run thru

let me run y'all thru this, because many of you have taken great interest in my recovery (i'm looking at you twice stop-over courtney ;), and desperately-seeking-info erin) and this seems like it could be a semi-interesting post idea. at least a step up from the norm.

soooo....i arrive, freaking out internally, in sweatpants and my paramore shirt (which btw, i'm totally pissed about this---i went and sat in that gross waiting room and surgery chair, and was too high when i got home to change clothes or shower. EWW.) 

and they ended up being like 45 minutes behind schedule. so i just sat there, rocking back in forth for like an hour because mother had to be there like 15 minutes early. 

finally my name gets called. mother stays behind. nurse makes me walk back and get her after she asks if i'm 18. i'm not 18 dumbass. 

we get into the surgery room. it's creepy and sterile. nurse-woman "surgery assistant" straps me in with velcro to the suprisingly straight chair. my heart is visibly beating much faster than normal, as they've got a heart monitor on me and the whole building can hear the BEEPBEEP going super fast. i also have many other things attached to my body including some sort of IV (which freaked the hell out of me thus quickening the pace of the heart monitor even more!!!) and a few of those paddy things with cords attached to my love handles. don't know why. 

the surgery assistant tried to get me to relax by saying that the velcro strap is nothing--i could easily break out of it if i wanted to. what the hell is that supposed to mean? 

anywho. they put the laughing gas mask on me (after asking 20 times if i had been under laughing gas before: YES ASSHOLES LET'S JUST DO THIS), and i start breathing deeper & deeper until i can't hear my loud-ass heart monitor. 

then the next thing i remember is wanting to lie the fuck down in the solitary recovery room, laughing really hard, and being yelled at by the surgery assistant for not sitting up. 

yes it actually happens like that, for those who have not recently undergone surgery--you really don't remember anything after that damn mask. spooky. 

then i couldn't feel my chin/lips for a long time. .... then after the numbing went away, i began to realize that MY MOUTH FUCKING HURT. and i've been numbing the pain with meds ever since (see that word play?)

thanks everyone who stopped by. and thanks for the ice cream. :)

2010

in celebration of one full year of blogging, ranting, bitching, moaning, tweet-posting, story-sharing, overly descriptive good times i'm going to make a list of all the things that made this year awesome. or at least memorable. LET'S GO.

• introduction to blogging: not only does this tool-age allow me to overshare with my vast amount of followers, it allows to me vent feelings in what seems like a harmless, inconsequential way but in reality shall soon prove to be quite self-destructive.
• i learned many things about my writing thru blogging: including my extreme need to edit things numerous times  in order to correct such errors like writing "quite" instead of "quiet" and when to use "whom" instead of "who" and of course meghan's classic "effect" vs. "affect."
• full on obsession with chelsea handler: not only did this begin during 2010 but also came full circle as i no longer give a shit. the obsesh started with buying all three with her books and concluded with becoming grossed out by her over-share-tweetage.
• twitter! i started following celebrities on twitter the night of the 2009 mtv movie awards (kanye! taylor! mania!) and have been obsessed ever since. not only do i find celebri-tweets semi-interesting but i feel obliged to share them with y'all, thus boring the. entire. world. to. death. no one gives a shit you narcissistic and hilarious & amusing  celebrities!
• intro to bo burnham: now this is a doozie. duzy? doozie. it started out with sonia becoming obsessed and me being extremely annoyed by this. "who cares, nia!" i'm pretending i once said. but then she gave me the cd and i downloaded it unaware of the explosion of grossness that would soon occur. i put the songs on my iPod, put the earbuds in, explained something in too much detail, and then listened to a random song..."ART IS DEAD" was the song. and i basically...fell in love.
• me and lizzle start a notebook of secretness: except that it's not really a secret. basically, in the beginning of this damn school year, liz noticed i was down-and-out as they say, because i was really hatin' on my schedule, and you know, life. so she thought starting a secret notebook to pass notes in would help...and it did! kind of! it was sort of a miracle...astoundingly after writing in the notebook for a few entries, i began to adopt a less depressing attitude towards school....i decided to become more carefree, less anxiety driven, and magic happened. not really, but sort of. 
• i got my driver's license! ah yes...2010 was the year i achieved the impossible and passed my driver's test. a miracle indeed! with all that paperwork came a new sense of independence...and responsibility. so i put those two euphoric feelings together to start a non-profit organization called "SADD" and was on my way towards philanthropic greatness... 
• green day & paramore concerts: after these two excellent concerts i realized that they had actually been my first: the 3 kdwb jingle balls prior had been mere CHILD'S PLAY. they just didn't stand up to the awesomeness that is green day live or even...parawhore.
• i came to terms with my HOT MESS of a head o' hair. it may not seem like it, but slowly through out 2010 i've come to accept the frizzy semi-waves that is my mop of deadcuticles. i "straighten" a whole lot less cuz that's just damaging, and i don't really hate the shit when i look in the mirror anymore. it's what makes me, me. just kidding that was a joke. A JOKE. LET'S ALL LAUGH TOGETHER. 
• the best summer of my fucking life.  i'm not sure i truly appreciated it, but summer o' 2010 was ridiculously amazing. i didn't have to go to summer rkk, that's fo sho. i had my license, so i had more opportunities to go places. i drove to the cabin without any parents! successfully! perhaps opening doors in the future...  i laid on my ass and watched "the closer" every day. i actually got fit, believe it or not, and i walked/jogged/huffed around the lake a lot, and even went to a yoga class. i spent tons of time with friends...oh, did we have good times. (kidding but not really.) erin had an in-ground pool! i drank coffee and was thus super-aware half of the time. it was just all around greatness. i feel like it was karma's way of saying, "here you go meghan...this will be your last" ...sort of. 
• JAPAN. i really don't want to brag so i'll keep this short and sweet....first real foreign trek of mine...and it couldn't have been in a more awesome place. 

honorable mentions: the year my friends tried the hardest and succeeded in making my birthday awesome, year 3 without meat, discovery of arcade fire, year i walked out of a $6.50 movie, year i tried to skip class but failed, year i tried so hard to never give in to #EPIC and #FAIL and succeeded, year i drank a super unhealthy amount of coffee. 

I Also Dreamed A Dream...

it seems my subconscious has been getting the best of me lately.


last night i had two very vivid dreams. the first one featured me, sonia, and sonia's sister. we were in the Borders's parking lot on a school night. i mentioned to sonia that there would be a chemistry study session before school the next morning. apparently, we were both in chemistry, and found it to be of most importance that we attend. we agreed we both needed to wake up at 5:00 a.m. in order to make it in time. that was the end of the dream...

EXCEPT

guess who found themselves in the kitchen at 5:20 a..m. this morning?! it wasn't sleepwalking, because i remember being somewhat aware that i was getting up and going downstairs. then i saw the clock and made the connection. it was more interesting back then. what sucked most was that i could not fall back asleep after that and just wafted in and out super-aware and semi-aware....

OR SO I THOUGHT

i had another dream. this time about my wisdom teeth coming out, which means my subconscious is on no uncertain terms letting me know that i'm frightened about this. what i can semi-fairly make out includes the following

• i got my wisdom teeth extracted by liz z**n
• my mouth tasted like blood, or at least thats what people told me
• she wouldn't give me any fucking ice cream afterwards
• so i had to walk down this ghetto street looking for a pay phone
• the ghetto turned out to be hoodbury lakes 
• i found my car
• but there was still no fucking ice cream
• so then my mind wandered to Friday Night Lights and watching matt saracen and julie taylor make out on the bleachers....ehh. 

thanks.

over the river and thru the woods to grandmother's house we go...

"A Lutheran Legacy" says ye blanket. A Lutheran Legacy of PassiveAggression and Hidden Guilt Trips.











i look like the sepia-d cartoon version of an...ugly person

What I Learned From Black Swan:

• Not a whole lot because I only saw half the movie. The other half was spent staring tensely at the inside of my hat. 
• This dumbass director knows exactly what I really fear in a movie: bloody fingernails, pop up scenes featuring fiercely bloody old women, and bulimia. 
• No matter what medium, I despise ecstasy-driven dance club/rave scenes. They are intimidating and nauseating. 
• A fair way to seek revenge against Acacia after she rejects your need for hand-holding during an especially scary moment by moving her entire body a few scoots over, is to stretch your whole arm over her seat/lap/purse for the rest of the f-ing movie. That's right, bitch. 
• Every ballet dancer is a mutha-fuckin psycho.
• Mila Kunis is super hot.
• If the movie leaves you breathless at least twice, it will win a Golden Globe.

i'm not the fucking grinch! why do people always say this about me?!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO! i'll be gone starting today around...11:30 i guess. so here we go. hope everyone has a magical time. i'll have a shitty time...nay, a semi-shitty time! it's christmas after all!
 

p.s. i think being called the grinch is actually pretty funny
p.p.s. i'll be bitch-blogging through out this holiday time, excessively, so stay tuned.

holiday cheer = lying

mom last night: meg, be up by 9 am. we'll leave by 10:30 am.
me: *whatever* ok.

______next morning_______

me: *oh no it's 10:00 am* i'm up.
mom: ok. we'll try to leave by 11:30 am.
me: what? what happened to 10:30 am?
mom: well i said that knowing we'd be leaving a little later...i was trying to make it a stress-free morning
me: *what the fucking fuck.*


*me on my blog cuz im pathetic and have to take some of the swear words out of last night's angry rant*

breaking development!!

me: why is everyone by the door? i thought we were leaving in...*looks at clock* 45 minutes
mom: no, now its in 15 minutes
me: *what the fucking fuck as i run around getting ready while simultaneously cursing my entire family*

kristen stewart? suck my dick.

ok, let's just get it out there, once and for all----me and kristen stewart draw a few comparisons. you think i don't get that? i'm oblivious? or maybe it's the opposite---maybe you think i worship the ground at her feet, she is my idol, and i try to imitate everything about her. if you think that, go to hell. 

as for all the jokes made, i just don't understand. i don't understand how few of my FRIENDS recognize that they bother me. because really, i don't find them funny. i don't get it. what am i supposed to say back? nothing? or should i say, "haha you're sooo right." or even "hahaha oh, ____, you can think what you want, i don't care." no. SCREW YOU. seriously. for having that little respect for me.

this whole thing started with adventureland, which i have to say, i earned the jokes for. i was a little obsessed, but i never thought that it manifested itself in such an obvious-i-want-to-look-like-her way. then she kept popping up in the movies that were based off of books i fucking loved (into the wild, speak...) then, twilight, which made every sane person hate her. (which is part of the immediate emotional pain--being compared to someone whom everyone hates and makes fun of.) apparently, i dress[ed] similarily to bella....in all honestly, i never, ever, purposely set out to resemble her or model myself after any character or actress...that is just so fucking stupid. knowing that it is stupid is also part of the hurt---that you think that low of me. and the jokes would be funny once, maybe twice. but after three years? c'mon.           so i get that part of the fun is that it makes me squirm, and i get part of it is poking fun at me for appearing to purposely dress and/or be like her. but i don't like the jokes. so please, be a friend and stop making them.


thanks.

(an attempt at concession, but mostly me expressing yet another angry emotion)

i'm gonna pretend i'm oprah, and you're gonna pretend you give a shit:

things that are making me happy right now:

• sunlight...wait, FUCK
• thedailyshow.com
• reading peoples' blogs
• break
• my new APUSH grade (91% bitches!!!)
• not thinking about my math grade (80.5% bitches...)
• friends and their fucking hilarity...so glad i have funny friends. 
• loaded giftcards
• extreme pre-xmas sales
• shopping
• spending loaded giftcards
• cheap chocolate from advent calendar
• buying erin sweaters that she would normally never buy/wear
• telling my mother i didn't know what color shirt to get her because she looks terrible in most colors
• discussing the history of laos with mother and learning father majored in econ but has never once offered to help me with math homework

omg not even kidding you

this website made me laugh SO hard!!! it's hilarious!

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

joan rivers: a piece of work

this movie will break your fucking heart. but i highly recommend it. it came out early this year, i believe, to amazing reviews. and yeah....it's good. (available on watchinstantly on netflix)

WOAH!

when i went on huffingtonpost.com today the headline read something like this

(taking up the whole page)

UNBELIEVABLE! 40% OF AMERICANS STILL BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM
with a giant picture of a monkey.

then i went on 10 minutes later to take a picture of it for this post, and it was gone, replaced with some boring political thing. i searched it, but it wasn't to be found. which makes me wonder if they took it down off the site because it was so...liberally mean (pun-intended?)

even as a citizen of left-leaning (ok, let's just say it, socialist) opinions, i found the headline to be a little controversial.

so then i google searched the headline that I KNOW I TOTALLY SAW AND AM NOT MAKING UP and all that popped up were these comments made, but no actually article. SPOOKY!

ok wait...just found it...

40 Percent Of Americans Still Believe In Creationism

First Posted: 12-20-10 11:17 AM   |   Updated: 12-20-10 11:32 AM

WHAT'S YOUR REACTION?

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Read More: American Beliefs On Evolution, Christianity, Creationism, Creationism Poll, Evolution,Intelligent Design, Percentage Of Americans That Believe In Creationism, Religion News, Religion News

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A new Gallup poll, released Dec. 17, reveals that 40 percent of Americans still believe that humans were created by God within the last 10,000 years. This number is slightly down from a previous high of 47 percent in 1993 and 1999.

Another 38 percent of respondents believe that humans have evolved from more basic organisms but with God playing a role in the process.

A mere 16 percent of respondents subscribed to the belief of "secular evolution": that humans have evolved with no divine guidance. However, this number has nearly doubled from nine percent of respondents in a poll from 1982.

The poll also revealed that beliefs in creationism and evolution are strongly related to levels of education attained. When results are narrowed to those with college degrees, only 37 percent of respondents maintain beliefs in creationism. Meanwhile, the belief in evolution without the aid of God rises to 21 percent.

With regards to political affiliation, a majority of Republicans (52 percent) subscribe to creationist beliefs. This is compared to only 34 percent among Democrats and Independents.

Views on human origins vary based on church attendance. Of those who attend church on a weekly basis, 60 percent believe in creationism while a mere 2 percent subscribe to "secular evolution". These numbers are flipped among those who rarely or never attend religious services. In this group, only 24 percent believe in creationism while 39 percent believe in evolution without divine guidance. This represents the only subset of data reported where "secular evolution" beats out creationism.

MYSTERIOUSLY WITHOUT THE ORIGINAL "UNBELIEVABLE:" HEADLINE...i don't know....what do you guys think? did they go too far with the "unbelievable/"monkey thing and offend people? or was it just a smart play on words?

this video is pretty irrelevant but here you go

then when i saw this video, "matt damon rips sarah palin" and then accompanying the 10.8 million views, and i was intrigued to say the least, because what could this actor dude have to say?

middle school kids are such jerks.

oh, man! the "middle school" line made me laugh every time. so glad that's over. ;)

80.59%

up until this year, it seems, i've been able to coast through math. from junior high to junior year i've done my homework on time like a good little student, i've gone in before school to ask for help and even to retake tests. i remember in VCCS when we did those minute-math things, i wrote random numbers down and when conferences came, i would just say that i'd try to work harder in that subject. and since then, even if i didn't understand it, or like it, i've been able to coast through it earning an B+ or better.

things have taken a turn for the worse.

math has become completely intolerable. for the past two weeks i don't even understand what my teacher is talking about, like it's a foreign language or he's speaking completely nonsense just to see if anyone's actually listening. or maybe he's just bored with his boring-ass life and wants to make up shit. i don't know, these are just things i think about instead of trying to understand.

whenever i need a quick pick-me-up

i pour myself a few shots  i type in the following URL and enjoy:

facebook.com/boo

via livingxforxme.xanga...

courtney's a great blogger, don't get me wrong. but i always find myself perusing her thousands of posts over and over again when i'm either depressed, looking to be depressed, or seeking insight. i found a certain post that did all these things for me. courtney, you've been marked. 

i found these gems, plus some disturbing shit that i'm super pissed at courtney about. so look out courtney. you will soon live, feel, breathe my dangerous wrath. 

ah hell no.

i can't even....i can't even explain how or why i'm so annoyed right now...it's ridiculous. I HATE PEOPLE.


...when i calm down i'll explain.

in the mean time....listen. i know i will be. i don't care whatever the hell you have to say about nirvana or any other classic angst music....this trumps every hate song ever made:

huh.

Dear iTunes,

I would like to see the research you used in compiling these songs.


Thanks,
Meghan

but christina told me to do it.

i thought i was getting better at my anger-blowup-spazs. turns out, i can get back into the swing of things rather quickly.

i don't know if it was an act of karmic retribution or if "these things just happen" to me, but today after 5th hour i ended up double-flicking-off my teacher.

...this is how it all began...

today in Psychology we took a test in the main forum room (because, for those of you who don't know, the psych(o) room has one fucked up floor plan.) and if you finished early, you were permitted to go back to the classroom, to do...i don't know what. meanwhile the teacher stayed in the main forum room while the slow people finished up the test. this is where you have to question the teacher's intentions---did he really expect everyone to just go back to class unsupervised?? it would surprise me that someone of his experience didn't know that kids were totes gonna skip out instead. because that's what i did. or tried to do, rather.

i went back to class (like a good girl) then took the pass and ditched to the library to talk to laura, stina, and sarah (like a bad girl). i felt bad about it so i went back to class 10 minutes later (here's where the karmic retribution kicks in) and when i got there the class was packed. it was shocking, they're such losers, my psych class. anyway, it was so packed that someone took my fucking seat. so, instead of standing there for the next 10 minutes until class ended, i wandered into the teacher's back room thing. it's not really a private office (he already has two of those) but like, kids don't just hang out there.

well, what did i care? i was a rebel today. so i plopped down my backpack, took a seat, and began reading one of the hundreds of TIME magazines that fill the magazine rack (because yes....he has one of those in there, for a very unknown reason...). it was the hundred fascinating people issue thing, and i became somewhat engrossed in the Obama snippet, despite the defeaning racket of idiot-dumbass-kids in the background. even though it was so fucking loud, i did hear one thing though, mostly because the fuckwad yelled it so the whole room could hear:

"look. she's reading a TIME magazine."  (i don't know how to emphasize how much of a fuckwad he sounded like when he said this, so i used italics where i mistakenly deemed appropriate.)

what followed is somewhat a blur.

everyone in the entire fucking class (okay maybe half of the fucking class...but it was all the popular seniors plus the complete dumbass popular juniors), looked up from what they were doing or stopped their ridiculous conversations, and turned their heads (some a whole 360) to stare at me with my goddamn magazine. even ashleyfuckwad got off the table she was sitting on, walked like 10 steps, and peered through the window looking into the back-room thing, smacking her shit-gum the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME (IS SHE TRYING TO BE SUCH A GODDAMN STEREOTYPE?!). then when they saw me look up (this all happened in a matter of miliseconds) they began to stare at their laps silently, like this was some sort of retarded fucking game. i couldn't say anything, but i was thinking some of the following:

• "WHAT THE FUCK?!" 
• "GET A FUCKING LIFE, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS AMUSING?!?!" 
• "GROW UP YOU FUCKWAD LOSERS!" 
• "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING DOING?! IT'S JUST A MAGAZINE!" 
• "IMMATURE IDIOTS WHO I HOPE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE"

in addition to those obscenities, i also had a huge urge to double-flick them all off. it would've been PERFECT, with them all looking at me: "fuck you i'm not doing shit you fucking morons" it would've said. but y'all should proud of me... i didn't flick them off. instead, filled with a growing, bubbling anger, i through the magazine back on the rack (no one was looking at me anymore at this point...fucking idiots have a 2-second attention span) and stormed out of the backdoor to go bitch about it to christina.

believe it or not, it gets worse.

i was retelling this entire thing to christina (kicking her locker a few times in the process, might i add, sorry stina) and we began to walk to class. i had told her before we began walking that i really wanted to flick them off. she then said (fast forward to when we were walking) that i totally should have flicked them all off. i, also a moron, said something like, yeah! i should've double flicked them off, then proceeded to demonstrate such an act. christina was laughing, and i was still really pissed, so i didn't really notice that we were in a crowded hallway. and when i looked up, both of my middle fingers holding steadily in the air, there my psych teacher was walking right past us, looking straight at me, with his eyebrows up to his fading hairline and his lips in a disapproving smirk.

....not great. not great at all.


thanks.