as much as i gripe about how i despise the teacher's quirks, and i hate the consequences of having the class fifth hour, i still learn a lot from that retarded class called psychology 1. (excuse my language) (or don't excuse it, because you really shouldn't.)
a few weeks ago we we're learning about brain-developmental disorders. one day we had a substitute in class and naturally it became a work-day, in which we all should've been reading some chapter out of the textbook. as it turns out, i was the only one to read the chapter and everyone else played an obnoxious game of "skull-ball." "skull ball," as my class named it, is where the 6 or 7 most obnoxious, idiotic, popular people of the class put on beer-goggles, stand up on chairs, and toss this paper-måché skull to one another, while everyone else watches in amusement.
except me. i'm in the corner with the textbook half covering my face and a hand sticking out to cover myself in case the skull comes flying at me... (which, of course, it did probably 4 or 5 times. because being in the corner, not participating in the game, and covering your face continunally definitely warrants a nice slam in the head from a paper-maché skull. it definitely warrants zero acknowledgement of said-slam except through muffled laughter and someone yelling "throw it back in!!" ...but i digress...)
so i'm reading the brain chapter and the section on autism comes up. i'm sure we all know some one with autism. the statistics demand so. anyway, there was a little tid-bit about a woman who was severely autistic but eventually worked through her trouble-areas and wrote a book about being autistic. it was a little weird to think about, being autistic and writing about it so the world knows what it's like. on the outside looking in, i want to say...but does that make sense...? well, it got me thinking about less severe disorders, and eventually it got me thinking about myself, and we all know that's my favorite thing to think about ;)
i started thinking about my little germ OCD. i know it's an obsessive-compulsive disorder because i'm thinking about it regularly if not...irregulary, if that makes sense. i'm at the locker? yeah, i'm thinking about it. i'm on the bus? yeah, i'm thinking about it. i'm sitting down in my desk? yeah, i'm thinking about it...i think about it a lot. there. and then i got to wondering what it looked like on the outside.
i don't necessarily think about the scientific facts involving germs or bacteria specifically (because we all know science isn't my strong suit...neither is math. i definitely don't think about how many times they are multiplying, etc.). but i do think about them being everywhere. absolutely everywhere. in fact, it's gotten to the point where it controls a part of me. not a large part, obviously, or i'd be in much deeper shit. but i'm talking about when, during regular occurences, i point it out to anyone nearby. and trust me, i don't find it a charming part of myself, to be shouting "don't touch that!" or "don't put that there!"
i don't even wanna think about what it's like from an outsider's perspective, how annoying that would be.
just yesterday i had an emotional flare-up in which this involved. molly had friends over after school. just that statement alone makes me shudder. because what does that mean? that means 3+ people NOT washing their hands, changing out of their school clothes, hiding their backpacks, disinfecting their various...tools (?) and all of them just swarming the basement. my basement. i'm taking possession of the area. i spend hours 4:00-10:00 p.m. down there almost every week day. it is my basement. i also have my bathroom down there (that way i don't have to share with molly, and thus...share germs.) and who's going to use that bathroom? her and her friends. their germs. so how did i emotionally deal with this? i swore. a ton. then i hid in my room the entire night. didn't come out. i couldn't, it was that hard not to blow up at someone for forcing me to deal with all those germs. if i came out and blew up at someone, that would be hard to explain. why am i mad that molly has friends over?? not because they're are annoying, or i'm anti-social! but because they brought their germs over! and who is going to have to clean up the next morning? me!
and i know it's irrational. at least i can see that it's stupid, right? it doesn't make any sense. if they are absolutely everywhere, multiplying by the kajillions, what's the goddamn point? no amount of clorox-sanitizing-wipes is ever ever going to change that. and that's what's so irrational. after i pretend in my creepy meghan world to "clean" said germ area, the feelings of anxiousness relatively fade...
i don't know how crazy i'm coming off here, but writing this is making me very emotional, very sad. i don't like being this way. i wish so hard that i could be back in grade school when i didn't give a shit about germs. i would come home from that germ-infested-snot-fest that is grade school and plop on the couch and eat shit without even thinking once about those goddamn germs.
how did i become like this? i don't know. it definitely wasn't a familial influence. my family is the worst when it comes to germs. they wear their shoes in the house and they... well i don't know what else. but they bug me. was it a societal influence? that doesn't seem logical. no one else seems to think the way i do about it. all i know is that i can't help it and i really wish i could just stop. i'm making progress though. last night i did not shower. nope. went to school, went to bed, and did not shower in between. horrary for progress...irrational, crazy, ape-shit progress.
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