best experience to possibly be had at your neighborhood walmart store

a 2 foot tall little girl with a cute hulk hogan hair style walks up to you, hits your knee with an object and then gives you the object.

the object is this:


thank you little girl. how did you know?

gross words

1. hitherto
2. happenstance

you guyyyyyys

did you guyyyyyys see SNL last night? it was hosted by jesse eisenberg, so naturally, i was scared shitless. watching him is like watching an awkward bomb explode before your very eyes.

well color me surprised. it was a very funny evening. i still cringed a lot, but hey, i cringe during every SNL.

here are jokes i laughed way too hard at

1. during weekend update, (fake) tyler perry was on and said jesse eisenberg was going to be in his (fake) new movie. he described the actor as (excuse my possible misquote) "a veteran of white people movies. such as adventureland, a movie about a young man who is sad about having a job."
[LOL]
2. during weekend update, seth meyers had a joke about elderly driving. he said something like, "elderly people have trouble driving because they don't focus enough on the moving objects in the foreground and instead focus on interracial couples on the sidewalk."
[LOL]
there you go. thanks for coming to BLOGTASTIC: the number one internet source for accurate and thorough summaries of your favorite tv shows.

i'm sorry i keep posting these but i love them!

agreeing wit voldey makes me feel evil

but he just makes so much sense.

hmf.

sex and the city + italic fun

there is nothing funny about sex and the city.
there is nothing sexy about sex and the city.
there is nothing smart about sex and the city.
it just redundantly sanctifies new york city. over and over. again. redundant.

and yet i've seen every fucking episode.

sorry.

via Acacia's BLOG.

Meghan

Look at Meghan keeping it cool with her shades. (that's a cute outfit btw). Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. Everyone sees you as "bitch", but I have seen through that image and well.. you are hilarious. I can't stop laughing every time you create your "masterpieces" in APUSH. Though, seriously, you pass them to me at the worst possible times ever. He's always looking over when you do. So stop it bitch.

Need we go back to fifth grade? Aww cute wittle tomboy Meghan with her Green Day shirt or her hershey's chocolate shirt -- You were the shit. I remember your Ladipo and Tori Hunter obsession. We were pretty cool at RKK too. Yeahhh our British-accent added play of "house" with our beloved friend Roxanne Zweyber, those great field trips to Tinucci's and the beads store... and the awesome times with Brittney flashing her pussy for the whole world of RKK to see.

Great memories. I can't believe you're going to CALIFORNIA! Call me a hypocrite, but take me with youuuu!!!! Thanks for being my Woodbury 10, drinking, fashionable budd. I can't wait to disect a cat with you. You da best, hoe!! Also, I greatly apologize for not holding your hand during "Black Swan". I really do, but I really hope you enjoyed feelin' up my purse. Jk. PS, thanks for being the decisive and the one with the most common sense in this three way relationship. Now go fuck yourself some Matt Damon. K. I'm done.

born this way

this is the best use of the cheesy "born this way" phrase so far. hands down.

suddenly susan!

suddenly, i'm fearful of what this band's mission statement entails....

..............

an inside look into my brain

so i'm very confused right now. in my head, it should be spring outside. when i picture a year, it looks a little something like what is below. for as long as i can remember this is how i've visualized a school year, and i've always known it was weird, but now that i drew it out, it looks especially screwed up:

you're welcome. please note my undercover campaigning for a new nickname.

handsome men's club

is this a joke/how much do celebs get paid to tweet?!?!

let me talk in parentheses for a while

ok, before you get your soiled panties in a twist, remember that i love magazines. i love reading featured stories and devouring entertainment weekly, especially if it's got a huge celebrity as the main story. i've also been known to skip library studying to sneak a peak at the magazine section, and i've also been known to feel completely heartbroken if i don't catch a movie that i've seen a celebrity promote a lot.

keep that in mind, motherfuckers.

(deep breath) so i was reading kristen stewart's interview/article in vogue, and she said something (many things) that really bothered me. she said that "masses of girls identified with bella in a really profound way." huh? profound? THEY WANTED TO BE HER. THEY WANTED TO BE IN THAT FUCKED UP TRIANGLE WHERE TWO HOT-ASS GUYS STRAINED AND STRAINED TO BONE THE SHIT OUT OF HER. i know this because i used to like twilight. a lot. it was the summer before ninth grade and sarah had just gotten her hands on breaking dawn, and it really sucked ass because we were on a mission trip in the middle of nowhere and she wouldn't pay me any attention (cunt). my curiosity got the better of me and i started reading the books and loved them; couldn't stop. at first i thought it was just the suspense of them. but then i came to the (slow) realization that the books suck shit, and culminated, is probably the worse collection of writing ever to be published (and so successfully sold.) what was the actual reason i liked them? ...that was the question that haunted me. then the first movie came out and i knew: the guys are hot. i want to fuck those guys. i want to be bella and i want a guy to love me like that and i want to bone him in reward.

hmm. profound?

we all want to bone those guys whether we'll admit it (courtney) or not (erin). it is not profound. unless you call the tragedy that is minnesota-suburban-teenage-girl-sex-deprivation, poetic.




is my horniness showing?

not great

soooooooo you know when you procrastinate homework for so long you get a sick feeling (guilt, fear, unhappiness)? ......................well i don't have that. and it's starting to scare me. i woke up today thinking, "ah who cares about finals.. i don't need to study" when just hours before i was thinking "okay monday. you got this. you will do homework all day and rock finals."

there is zero motivation left in my system and i'm really, really, really fuckin' scared.

i'm lookin' to watch a new movie on netflix, any suggestions?

editor's note: i ended up watching good will hunting. see above. 

let's talk golden globes.

to say my entire evening was devoted to the golden globes would be an understatment. starting at 4pm i tucked myself into molly's bedroom (her bed, yes), turned on E!, opened up a mountain dew and some pre-popped popcorn, and began a night's worth of enjoyment. molly and my mom were in the basement watching inception (for the first time---crazy mofos) so i couldn't go there, and my dad was watching some sporting event in the living room so i couldn't go there (not that i would want to) so the only place left was molly's room. you maybe asking yourself now, if molly has cable in her bedroom, shouldn't meghan? well that's a very logical question to ask, considering we're both sisters and should be treated equally by our parents. alas, i'm what you call a Hall of Famer Unlucky Person, and my room doesn't have access to a cord-cable-shit-thing and upon learning this my parents just gave up and rendered the cable to my younger sister, and her alone. MOTHERFUCKERS. ahem. just so you know however, after inception was over molly came into her room, saw me, said only "you should have asked." and left me alone. which i have to give her props for. i was expecting a full on bitch-fight. props.

anyway, i started watching e!'s red carpet coverage at 4 and i have to say, that was the best part of the experience. it's difficult for me to watch awards shows because it's simply a plethora of awkwardness. jesse eisenberg's presence alone made me squirm in a puddle of awkward juice. celebrities...doing ridiculous things, saying stupid things, crying when they shant. ugh. well, the e! coverage was all about fashion, and i have to say...no stand-out dresses this evening. super disappointing.

then the awards started at 7, and i made sure i went down to get dinner before it started, so i could eat my all-vegetable dinner (you okay now kak? a baked potato, green beans and an assortment of steamed cauliflowers, carrots, peas...the good life. :/ ) during the opening monologue. ricky gervais was really funny. one of his jokes was about the mysterious reason as to why the tourist was being represented. he said the only reason angelina and johnny depp were nominated for the tourist was because the hollywood foreign press association wanted to take pictures with them, which is hilarious, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. assholes. angelina jolie and brad pitt walked the red carpet, but didn't talk to any reporters, because you know, they're above that. they did briefly redeem themselves with me when an E! camera showed them walking down an aisle full of screaming fans, which they greeted and politely thanked. but oh no. they couldn't keep up the good behavior for long. through out the ceremony telecast, the camera shot to their table a total of 3,000 times, because for some fucking reason the producers thought the audience wanted to see angie&brad's reaction to every fucking thing that happened. my favorite was when some unknown composer won and was making his speech, and the camera shot to them and angelina had her head on brad's shoulder making the bored-est face ever, and brad had his eyebrows cocked, like he was wondering, "who the hell is this nobody...?"

ugh. they're gross.

anyway...i had to keep switching channels when anyone would start a speech, and switch back to see if it was indeed awkward, which they usually turned out to be, so i got in a little bit of "bridalplasty" and "the closer" and "iron man," which made for a well-rounded evening.

tolerable speeches: robert de niro, annette bening, colin firth.

most annoying win: glee (mostly because lea michele had to cry through out the entire evening. she cried when chris colfer won and while up on stage. how are you not used to award shows by now? it's clearly fake crying. shut the fuck up, attention-whore.)

heart-pounding moment: when the kids are alright won for best comedy...that was suprising and i was so happy. when they were like, "the kids are alright....the tourist...." i fucking shuddered. how is it possible they are allowed to be in the same category?!

biggest laugh out of an awkward moment: chris colfer's face when he won. oh man. ohhhhhhhhh man. i predict youtube sensation y'all!

best dressed:

she is awesome and she can wear whatever the fuck she wants to award shows.
















we can no longer be friends if you don't see/love the following movies
- the kids are alright
- the social network
- black swan


thank you and goodnight.

hollywood hurts like a H.A.M.

isn't it weird that the people of hollywood have life events in cycles?

this summer/fall it was all about hollywood death.
this fall/winter it was all about divorce (shockingly, upset this shallow brunette more than the first cycle)
this winter/spring it is all about babies

i can only handle this rollarcoaster of emotions for so long, h-wood.

BABY BOOM: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's not-so-little one arrived...Six days ago Owen Wilson revealed he was going to be a dad, and now he is one!...John Travolta and Kelly Preston present son Ben for the first time...Kate Hudson will see what sort of a dad Muse frontman Matthew Bellamy frontman is going to be...Victoria and David Beckham are expecting their fourth beautiful baby...Selma Blair and designer beau Jason Bleick are going to give parenthood a try...Alicia Silverstone and hubby Christopher Jarecki are having their first...Jewel and Ty Murray are ready to wrangle their own calf...Tia Mowry awaiting her first with hubby Cory Hardrict...Marion Cotillard and beau Guillaume Canet are going to be mère and père.

Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b220567_week_in_review_hollywood_all_knocked_up.html#ixzz1B7qdAoUj

CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS

Erin do you remember this clip? I've seen this episode thousands of times and...it continues to be HI-LARIOUS!

Steel Magnolias

Morning Update

• I'm about to go H.A.M. Hard as a Motherfucker. (New catchphrase alert!)
• It's my mom's birthday today, and I found out something. 
•  I was only 7 years old when my mom had her 40th birthday...which means she was 33 when she had me, not 30, like she told me. Bitch was old, plus she got married at 25 (plus she lied to her children for no reason?!). This only adds to my evidence that both janice and tom were reluctant parents, and thus morphed that unwillingness into what their unique parenting styles are today.
• My parents and Molly are going to look at a litter of puppies today. I'm against this idea because there is a large chance that they won't buy one (evidence in too long CON list), squashing hopes and dreams of people everywhere. Why would I subject myself to that mockery? Or rather...I don't want to miss the puppy/get my hopes up. So I'm not going. 
• I watched Steel Magnolias last night....

STEEL MAGNOLIAS

Well. This movie is definitely unique. Half the time you are wondering why you are watching such a stupid movie about Southern women saying boring things. Half the time you are bawling your eyes out, and your whole body is shaking. Or at least that was my reaction to... about the last 30 minutes of the movie. (My tear ducts have completely dried out...which is probably a good thing.)

It's cute...but you can also see why people make fun of it. Basically, if you have Netflix, it's available on watch instantly, so go ahead and do it, says I. 

Also here's the character list. It's pretty...shocking. (People in the South are stupid, is what I'm trying to say. Joke. But they do have weird names.)

M'Lynn - Sally Field

Shelby - Julia Roberts

Truvy - Dolly Parton

Annelle - Daryl Hannah

Drum  - Tom Skerrit (incidently plays Sally Field's husband in flashbacks on "Brothers&Sisters")

Clairee - Olympia Dukakis

the ongoing drama that is psychology class.

where: in psychology. fifth hour.

when: today

who: girl i'm going to call "Z" because her last name starts with one and her name is the same as Liz's but i don't want her seeing this (why would she, i don't know, but it happened to Bliss) because if she did see this she would most definitely kill me. i'm picturing her stomping over to wherever i am, throwing the cocaine that she deals in my eyes and then stabbing me. i know she's capable of that because she's been arrested three times and has a ridiculous temper and admitted to punching a girl in the face during today's story-time. not to mention the following scenario that went down hoy:

we were all doing our own thing during today's work time (because why would the teacher actually teach us anything when he's retiring in 3 days?) when all of the sudden Z shouts across the room to this girl sitting right next to me (let's call her "AB"). she (Z) starts bitching out this girl (AB) for something AB said yesterday, when Z was gone. i was there, and the thing AB  said was ridiculously harmless, not even worth mentioning, and it was about Z's phone. everyone knows Z has her phone out constantly. the teacher knows Z has her phone out constantly. everyone makes jokes about it every day. but some of the idiots that were talking to Z (if you want names of these obnoxious fuckfaces, then ask me later) told her that yesterday AB made a comment about Z's phone and apparently this upset Z so much that she became uncontrollably furious. she says stuff like, "hey, AB, why the fuck did you say that?!" and the poor girl was like, "it wasn't a big deal i didn't mean to make drama" and then Z starts talking to the girls that told her about the comment and saying shit about AB like "she has ugly fucking hair" and all  these awful things, meanwhile AB just goes back to doing her homework, apparently unfazed.

well, needless to say, i became very emotional. as Z was bitching AB out i was looking back at forth at their faces, making a disgusted one in the process, making it clear that i was repulsed by Z's unnecessary and immature explosion of anger. the other onlookers went from Z's face to mine to AB's as they watched this go down (i was in the middle of them). when Z stopped and began talking to the two girls (insulting AB), i turned to AB and whispered (with a bunch of eyes still on our side of the room), "she's such a cunt. i can't believe you're going to take that. i'm sorry." all AB did was say, "oh is she saying shit about me now? some people just need to..." then she chuckled and went back to work. what the fuck? get angry at that bitch!! then, apparently, Z saw that i was upset/talking to AB (i suspect she was informed by those idiot girls again) and she shouted, "hey meghan!"

now i got really emotional. my heart started pounding, i broke out in sweat. i totally thought she heard me call her a cunt and was about to bitch me out in front of the whole class, or even physically hurt me. instead she said, "i wasn't talking about you. it wasn't you." and i, the idiot that i am, said, "oh i know, no big deal." which doesn't even really make sense....and i could've used that opportunity to tell Z why she's so fucking cuh-razy.

and that was it. i had to sit there for another 10 min til the bell, rocking back and forth from the potential bitch-fight, and yeah..no one else cared.

thanks.

selections from the internet

oh voldey...you say the darndest things:

fuck yes:

that's easy for you to say, paris.

"10 worst things about summer"

summer nostalgia sucks and is bringing us all down. here's an attempt to be grateful it's winter. ....i can kind of agree with some of them (i didn't write this...)

 These are the 10 worst things about summer. Sure, there are some inconveniences that can be overlooked during this fabulous time of year. But the following things, well, they can hardly be tolerated and without them we would be living in an overheated and practically perfect paradise until Labor Day.

Office Air Conditioning: Why is every office building freezing cold all year round? In the winter, it's understandable since it saves companies money by not having to turn up the heat to keep us all toasty. The problem is that from May until September, they spend tons of cash to pump way too much cold air into cubicle farms. Often it's too cold to work. And the worst part is that it's so steamy outside that you have to wear shorts or a skirt to survive the commute, but once you report for duty, you're freezing cold. And that lasts all day. Don't make me be like that 50-year-old receptionist and keep a cardigan on the back of my chair that I wear every single day regardless of whether it matches of not. We love that you want to make us comfortable, corporate bosses. But turn down the A/C a bit and you'll save money and you'll get to see our cute summer looks. Everyone wins!

Flip-Flops: I'm sorry, but flip-flops are a national scourge. They're fine at the beach, in the backyard, or for casually hanging out with friends. But the problem is people want to sport them at every opportunity. I'm sorry but flip-flops are not office attire. Nor should they be worn on formal occasions or out to a restaurant (that is not on the beach), and especially not to a bar or nightclub when your little pink piggies will definitely be stepped on by the masses and possibly have a beer bottle dropped on them. (Don't even get us started about boys who wear flip flops to the urinals). Many people have pretty nasty feet that shouldn't see the light of day in the first place, but if you wear flip-flops in Manhattan, then you are disgusting. You will come home at the end of the day looking like a hobbit, but instead of hair covering your feet, it's nasty, black, nameless sludge. And you'll have some sort of perverted tan line on your foot from where the strap is. Get a pair of Converse or something!

Smells: Everything in the summer just stinks. Whether it's nasty sweating people or those strange scents of the city, this is a big problem in New York. There are always mystery aromas wafting around us, but the heat and moisture in the summer just make them a million times worse. Standing at a stuffy, airless subway stop isn't that bad because the promise of a cool car is just moments away. But the stench is torture. It's like all the sweat, piss, crap, dead rodents, rotting food, millions of pounds of trash, gallons of vomit, and other putrid refuse is being baked into some sort of demonic Eucharist in Satan's oven.

Bug Spray: Mosquitoes are annoying parasites that leave you an itchy mess, but the alternative is worse. Bug spray stinks. It doesn't even stink like a skunk stinks, which is natural, but of toxic chemicals made to smell vaguely natural. And it barely even works. So then you smell, the spray is stinging your skin, and you're covered in bug bites. That's hell. And whatever Avon lady told you about that Skin So Soft crap working to keep bugs away is laughing all the way to the bank in her pink Cadillac or whatever the fuck she got for unloading all that snake oil on everyone.

Sunburn: The sting of sunburns isn't the actual pain from your UV-scorched skin, but knowing that you are now struck with an ailment that was absolutely preventable. If you just had more clothing on, sat in the shade longer, or put the sunblock on after you went in the pool then you wouldn't be lying sleepless in bed without a stitch of fabric touching you. But no, you had to stay outside at the barbecue and not go get that SPF 793, you had to say "I can't reach my back so I just won't put any lotion on it," you had to forget that one spot on the back of your knees. Now you are a stupid mess of annoying pain. And it's all your fault and you feel like an asshole. That sucks.

Too Many Movies: It makes sense that there are so many movies in the summer—people have lots of free time and want to sit somewhere cool and dark for two hours while getting fat on popcorn and forgetting about real life. But why are there so many? If you're into crappy blockbusters (and really, who isn't, or else they wouldn't be blockbusters) then there is something for you go to seeevery weekend. No fun time softball league, trips to the shore, or afternoons lazing in a hammock. We're stuck at the cineplex with all the other sweaty humans taking in whatever bit of candy floss the Hollywood marketing machine told us we had to care about that week. And why not put some of these out in like January or February when the selection at the cinema totally blows and people want to sit somewhere warm? Maybe if they served hot chocolate at the movies it would work? Please, studio bosses, spread the crowd-pleasing goodness out a little bit. Your movies would do better without all the competition for opening weekend and we'd have a little time to go for a run and work off all that popcorn.

The Ice Cream Truck Song: There is nothing as good as running into a Mister Softee truck on a warm day and treating yourself to a chocolate soft serve (with rainbow sprinkles, please!). What a joy! What a treat! But the minute that trucks takes off and starts to play the "plinkety-plinkety-plink-a-plink-a-plink-a-plink-a-plink-pliiiiinnnnnnkkkk" it makes me want to rip my eardrums out. Why does every truck have the same grating music and why does it get stuck in my head for hours afterward? And God forbid you get one that parks under your window and plays that tune all day on repeat like it's a 12-year-old girl with the new Justin Bieber single. Who are the superhuman clowns that staff these things? Have they completely lost their minds after listening that infuriating racket so many times that it doesn't faze them anymore? Ice Cream Man: You are selling delicious frozen treats on a hot day. That's not hard. You don't need the fucking jingle of death to make your money!

ok come on.

i know sonia has expressed confusion/disgust at some internet ads and their appeal to soft core porn fans before, but this is just ridiculous:

you'll notice that the article in which this ad is embedded is about the tragic arizona shooting  ...so fucking inappropriate.

what does dunn bros. mean to YOU?

i can make myself very uncomfortable and awkward in many different places. i can also make myself "at home" in many different places. specifically, other peoples' houses. also, dunn bros. which is weird, i think. it's really a reflection on my spending choices if you ask me  sonia.

i think the hoodbury dunn bros. should really get their shit together. in someways i feel like the owner half-assed it during construction...just like, "oh whatever it's hoodbury, no big deal. might as well save some money!"

it's not ugly or uncomfortable, don't get me wrong, i spend a lot of time here (yes, i'm at dunn bros right now)...but it's got a weird shape, the carpet is always gross, there's chipped paint...oh wait they fixed that, and the "comfy" chairs near the fireplace just don't look desirable...they try though. there are lights around the window all year long, which i love. they also sell coffee, so that's a plus.

my favorite memory of this place, however, is during the summer, outside on the "patio" area. sipping a small mocha ice crema, (whip cream and chocolate syrup abundant), in a tank top and the sun beating down, burning my shoulders. i know courtney was there for sure, but i'm not positive on who else. anyway, it was great.

I'd tap that.

David and Victoria Beckham Expecting Fourth Child!

Today 10:17 AM PST by JENNA MULLINS

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

David Beckham is well on his way to having his very own family soccer team.

The Beckham's reps have confirmed People's report that the soccer star and his wife are expecting their fourth child this summer.

MORE: 30 Rock's Jane Krakowski Is Pregnant!

The new little Beckham will join brothers Brooklyn, 11, Romeo, 8, and Cruz, 5. David, 35, and Victoria, 36, have been married for 11 years.

"David and Victoria Beckham are delighted to confirm they are expecting their fourth child in the summer," said their rep in a statement. "Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz are very excited about the arrival of their new brother or sister."

Congrats, you two! We're sure the new addition will be just as adorable as the previous three.

Want a fifth, David? I'd be willing to sacrifice my vagina for you. 

A Single Man

In between this weekend's haze of constant homework, I managed to watch the movie A Single Man, which I netflixed. Before I start on that, I'm going to pose a question:

WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK THIS WEEKEND?! SHOULDN'T THIS WEEKEND BE MERELY STUDYING FOR FINALS?! I just don't understand. (Parents Just Don't Understand - Will Smith circa 1989)

Anyway, becoming frustrated with my work ethic (last night I stared at a 4 page document for English that needed to be annotated for....count it.... 5 fucking hours!) I remembered I had netflixed A Single Man and got excited. I don't know if any of you remember this (Liz probably does), but in 2009 this movie was a critical hit and won a bunch of awards. Going into it, all I really knew though, was that Colin Firth and Julianne Moore were in it and Firth played a gay dude.

Woah.

This movie was....extremely depressing. Which was the exact opposite feeling I wanted to walk away from it with, seeing as that the tremendous amount of homework idling by my desk still remained. It's a beautiful movie. Stunningly made. I don't know how to describe the shots....Liz you should see it and tell me.

The story....well, I don't really foresee any of you taking the initiative to see an independent film about a gay couple, so I think I can take certain liberties with the synopsis here.

The story is tragic and even though the score is generally quiet, the acting is so magnificent that I could hear my heart pounding in my chest whenever Firth would change an expression on his face. Let's just say I have new respect for him....(I'm looking at you Bridget Jones's Diary..)
It's about a man who has lost his partner in a terrible car accident in the early 1960s...very Mad Men-esque. As Firth says in the "special features," there's nothing gay about the movie - it's a love story. Then the movie begins with Firth waking up one morning, deciding to kill himself he's so distraught without him, and then elegantly making preparations for his looming death (even though everything's subtle, I immediately knew he was planning his suicide, as my various Health classes have informed me of those steps...saying goodbye to the people in your life... emptying your bank account...) But as he prepares, he's living the day as it's his last, and he lives life to fullest (I really am going the extra mile to be cheesy here). And I won't give away the ending, just in case...but it's very...amazing.

George (Firth's character) narrates the film...and I don't know...that was the best part about it, I think. Also, Julianne Moore rocks this look:



Even though there is the occasional butt-shot, there is nothing too graphic, so I highly recommend it to Liz and anyone else actually. Also, watch it alone. And be prepared to cry. Except Sonia, as she never cries because of the media.

The trailer is a little pretentious looking but...if you were wondering:

please listen, and please laugh

and the follow up "harris" video





"At any given moment a white person is doing something critically acclaimed" LOL! I LOVE THIS ONE! "white people must be psyched all the time!"

new years ressie: part two

even though it's an ongoing joke just about everywhere that people never keep up with the ressies they make at new year, apparently, we should make them because it's part of being a (mentally) healthy person.

so i decided to "put the thoughts together" and think about what could make me healthier. then it occurred to me that i could exercise more. (creative, i know.) after that thought occured, then in flooded a hundred others that attacked me like sharp things that hurt. a specifically hurtful one was this:

i do not exercise. i haven't "exercised" in roughly 4 months. that's pretty fucking unhealthy. aren't we supposed to have an hour of exercise per day?.................. in fact, there's a good chance i'll die soon from cardiac arrest (remember that from last year?)...but i know it won't happen, i won't start exercising. when i get home from school i'm either tired or can't muster the motivation to do anything but eat or lay down/computerize. it's pathetic. then i'll have a boost of energy around 5 p.m. and what do i do then? i consider homework. i consider homework all the way up til sleepy-time and then i sleep and start that shit over.

so this is a dilemma.

WHY RAVEN WHY.

Why did you do this to me, Raven?! You were beautiful the way you were.

and the complaining starts.....NOW:

this day has sucked on so many levels. (like fucking a fat girl in an elevator, perhaps? bo song)


what was totally weird about it though, was that it went by quite quickly. unlike yesterday and the day before, which went by at ridiculously tedious paces, yet i was in high spirits (for me.) today went by relatively quicker, and i was annoyed about almost everything that happened.

let's make a list, shall we?

1. start the day off right: spanish class. let's take turns tossing two dice for twenty minutes. i love games. SO MUCH. 
2. english poetry presentations: why the FUCK are those necessary?! i don't care what this idiot's interpretation of the poem was. 
3. the psychology teacher was back today, which meant i couldn't pretend to "skip" after lunch, and it was just overall a much shittier hour. we had to share things about the essays we had just written. yes. we went around the room and everyone had to say three things about their essay. what the hell? i just wrote the essay. see those words on the page? that's all i have to say on the fucking the subject. 
4. then we got our personality test assignment, which is beyond ridiculous. i feel like the teacher tries as little as possible, just to see if we are still alive. here's the assignment: go online and take two personality quizzes. then write an "assessment" on them, basically saying whether you liked them or not. COME. ON. truthfully, who doesn't love those super-easy-do-it-in-my-sleep assignments...but it just really pissed me off. 
5. math test score 
6. can't see me my counselor until next tuesday...which makes absolutely no sense. what the hell is she doing? there are like 20 counselors in that school for a fucking reason, right?
7. went to the oral-surgery-place to get a check up. sat there for 15 minutes reading the same Newsweek magazine i had done the three previous times. 
8. then lady took a syringe and squirted water into the wisdom-teeth-holes. gross. food came out. and it hurt. i'm still sore. then she told me that for the next two weeks i have to squirt water into all 4 holes (so i guess i got 4 teeth out...nobody tells me anything) and rinse...AFTER EVERYTIME I EAT! do you know how much i eat?! a lot!!!!!!!!! what am i supposed to do at school?!!?!?! ahh fucking a. on the plus side, this could be an excellent diet method...i have no idea whether my extreme laziness will out weigh my overeating habit though. 
9. my mouth hurts badly now. again. and i'm all out of ibuprofin pills. a few vicodin left, however (magical plus side) but you can't have one on an empty stomach...so more syringe-squirting. 
10. i have to go eat dinner with my family at a restaurant for spanish class which means it'll take longer than 10 minutes and i can't escape afterwards. by the way, what's up with all these school assignments costing money? first i had to pay 10 bucks to go to the history center for history, now i have to pay for a meal for spanish? i feel like that's really wrong. 

this whole day has been really wrong. 

oh also

    11. glenn beck. motherfucker can kiss my ass. today, for kicks, i turned on his show, wondering what the fuss was all about. what.....an asshole.

sorry, this had to be done

see where my finger's pointing? yeah. it's saying 'suck my cock.'

chelsea chelsea bang bang

some days when i'm feelin' real down, i pick up a little-known book called chelsea chelsea bang bang. it's chelsea handler's third book to have gone numba one on nytimes bestseller list and has stayed there...for like a year.

not only is it really funny, but it makes me feel all sunshiney (p.s. who's with me in nicknaming courtney "sunshine" ?! it's a term of endearment [besides "bitch"] that i think really suits her.)

there is a particular chapter that i quite enjoy reading called, "grey gardens," which i don't entirely get because i haven't seen the movie, but nonetheless it's awesome. it's an anecdote about one of the many times she spent a weekend in bed. which sounds either really gross or really boring, but trust me it is neither. she describes (with jokes of course) how she just felt like blah so she stayed in bed and watched movies for days, got buzzed on bloody marys and vodka, slept, made hilarious phone calls, and ate a bunch of hot pockets. ok it sounds boring, but trust me, it's like picturing heaven. i would love to do that. i have done it, but never alone in my penthouse apartment, with the southern california sun shining in through the windows, (or when i was of legal drinking age.)

here's an excerpt ( <--- awful word yo) because i know YOU FUCKING CARE.

"If I had gone to the theater to see Definitely, Maybe, I would never have reacted the way I did watching it in bed. I didn't want it to end, I couldn't figure out which girl he was going to wind up with...I was bawling by the time the movie ended and not in a normal way."

Who doesn't love DefMaybs?! Best movie ever! Not really, but I love it!

"While I was pouring myself a vodka and Clamato juice, I briefly considered going for a run, and instead I went into my bathroom to get a Vicodin I had left over from the batch I was given after my vaginal-rejuvenation surgery. Before long I drifted into a very relaxing siesta."

Ahh!

"After we hung up, I looked at the clock. Eight P.M. Perfect movie starting time. I scrolled down and saw Sex and the City starting again at eight. I could have climaxed right then and there."


I swear it, that has happened to me before.

It's just...awesome, guys. I can borrow this book to anyone who wants it (oh yeah, warning! there are other, more interesting stories to behold in said book...)


On a different note, I've had a revelation. A simple one, but one I find reassuring.

You know when we are at school, and you ask me, "How are you?" and I say, "Shitty." And you go, "Ah, why?" and I say, "Why do you think---I'm at school (in my head i add 'dumbass' in there)" well here's the thing: it's true. i have found that i'm a real asshole when it comes to school. the institution brings me down, and i feel crappy there, and then i relay that crappiness to you guys. i am sorry. just know, the next time i'm real bitchy at school, it's not personal, it's just school. (i'm sure many of you have caught on to this by now.) i may be bitchy outside of high school, but don't take that personally either. well, why not. but i think i'm better when i'm not in that building...right? right.


thanks.

ridiculously cute man alert

in keeping with my constant efforts to never be productive (ever) i've gone off the youtube-bender, so to speak, and run across a few interesting clippies.

this one, which is pretty infamous on chelsea lately (there's an ongoing joke---seriously, it won't fricken end---about 50 cent and chelsea a-hookin up) i had seen before, but never realized how FUCKING ADORABLE THIS WITTLE RAPPER IS. HE IS SOOOOO CUTE! i love when he says that he went to the twilight premiere because he was a fan of "summit, an independent studio"!!! ridiculously cute man.

i am mesmerized by this interview

two rich motherfuckers having a grand ol time...a magical time...


however, i can't STAND oprah's interviewing skills. i love that she's super attentive and clearly enjoys herself, but i hate it when she interrupts, it's like she can't go one minute without hearing herself speak. don't get me wrong, i love when oprah talks, just when she's PRO-CLAM-INGGG something or introducing a new topic.

nothing negative to say about j.k. rowling....ever.

like mother like daughter

shut the. fuck up. now.

this make me want to procreate. that and every small baby ever borderline creepily started in a noodles&company.

to acacia AND sonia,

just saw y'alls blogs and i gots to say, YOU GOT NOTHING ON ME BABAYYYYYYY!

no animals were harmed in the taking of this photo. fo realz, i simply let out my pony and this shit went down.

peace and be merry. 

this is one of my faves: the "Well, what can you do?" pose. 




















ok ok ok, back by popular demand, my SEXY pose: 

new years ressie: go fuck yourself more.

lists. we all make lists, whether we want to admit to being that geeky or not. I MAKE LOTS OF LISTS. it's no secret that i'm invariably un-cool, so here we go. post it note lists, journal lists, mental lists, computer "stickie" lists, many many blog lists, etc.

it's also no secret that we all love checking/crossing out those items on the list. it makes us feel accomplished. or in my case, just lazy and/or resigned, as i probably just crossed it out because i simply refuse to do it. because here's another proclamation: I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I FINISHED A LIST. you know how you make certain lists labeled 'To Do'? i don't remember the last time i marked off every single item. i'm that unmotivated that i refuse to...wash various linens....or refill the ink cartridge in the printer...so that got me thinking about new years resolutions, or ressies, as i have douche-ily renamed them.

i've decided to not even try to make a new years ressie because i know i will never accomplish it. even though ressies tend to be personal, people always share them weird self-righteous proclamation-type ways.... anyway, but i don't have one to preach share. i refuse to put the thoughts together in that way. i have no goals this year.

healthy stuff. WHO ELSE IS EMOTIONALLY UNHEALTHY THIS YEAR? please? anyone? or did you guys all write down something like
"Sonia: You are going to make a change in the world this year."
or "Christina: Get better grades because you are a god-awful student"
or the more likely: "Erin: Beat up an old lady this year---just for the hell of it!"

i do not know, y'all, i do not know.

peace and be merry

EDITOR'S EDITING EDIT:

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! A MERE HOUR AFTER I POSTED THIS MOTHER I GO ON TO HUFFINGTONPOST.COM. THEN I CLICKED ON ARIANNA HUFFINGTON'S BLOG, WHICH I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE, TO READ WHAT STUPID THING SHE HAD TO SAY TODAY, AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, SHE BASICALLY SAID WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IN THIS DOUCHEY POST!!!!!

I BELIEVE IN FATE WHOLEHEATEDLY AND SOMETIMES WITHOUT CAUSE.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/sunday-roundup_159_b_803280.html