Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation
LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S. populace uniformly decided this week to ignore Charlie Sheen's recent outbursts, saying they had far more important things to focus on than a sitcom actor's personal troubles. "When Mr. Sheen's public meltdown began, I immediately recognized how a Hollywood star's crisis could be voyeuristically appealing, which is exactly why I said to myself, 'I am better than that; Charlie Sheen's attention-seeking behavior undermines my intelligence, and the sooner I ignore it, the sooner it will go away,'" said 41-year-old Denver accounts coordinator Margaret Atkins, who along with the rest of the nation has paid no attention to Sheen's situation, and has spent the majority of her time concentrating on the unrest in Libya, the collective-bargaining debate in the Midwest, and the health and well-being of her own family. "Not only have I chosen to ignore Mr. Sheen, but thankfully so has the American media, which has once again shown journalistic decency by only reporting the news that people legitimately need to know." Charlie Sheen was not sought out for comment.
Funny story about The Onion...When I went to see the musical Hair at the Orpheum, there was couple of teenage boys in front of me. They were skinny, and had shiny, long, light-brown hair. They looked very similar, and I thought they were brothers, attending with their hipster mother (with her spiky blonde hair and colorful outfit.) But then they started giving off a gay vibe, I don't remember why exactly, so I became confused as to whether they were brothers or lovers (the muscial was very awkward, so this predicament gave me something else to focus on.) Anyway, before the performance, they were sharing an actual, printed newspaper, and I thought that was odd. But then they turned back to the front page and it turned out to be The Onion and then I thought they were even cooler (sexier, had it not been for the odd gay vibe) than before. The end.
And that ladies and ladies, is how you properly tell a disappointing story.
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