what the hell

you know when you watch a sitcom or something and you see awkward situations unfold and you think hahahahahaa that's funny but no one would actually act like that in real life.. well  those things happen to me in real life and spoiler alert! they are super traumatic.

in drama/theatre class (AKA FUCKING ENGLISH CLASS), i've been set up with the worst possible four other people to act out a scene in hamlet with. there is no solace to be found. i thought maybe me and jessicaw might form a bond, but that fantasy-interaction never panned out. her behavior towards me was actual indifference and occasional condescension.  she acted this way towards me because im a "cheater" for using spark notes instead of reading. which is entirely true, but makes for an awkward dynamic.

jessica: "No, I mean, I actually read act four. In the book, though, because I think reading SparkNotes is cheating. Don't you think that?"

--no one answers--

me, muttering: "Well, I'm a cheater so I'm just gonna look at these summaries real quick..."

--silence-- SERIOUSLY, SILENCE.

in between Lori Sharpie (*see me if this code name doesn't compute with you) and Natalie Tran* ("   ") making plans to hang out after with a bunch of other people that required a lot of phone calls, there was a lot more silence and a lot of questions being asked with poor answers.

oftentimes this occurred:

"So, I mean... what do you think?" *looks towards me* Each time i was asked a question, I never fully comprehended what they were saying, so I'd pretend to contemplate and then mutter something like, "I don't know" and look at the table. this is pretty basic level interaction for me, so i can see why you might be wondering why this is a blog post. ILL TELL YOU WHY CUZ IT GOT WORSE THAT'S WHY. when Bobert Clicker finally showed up, shit got real. and by shit got real, i mean, i became a full-fledged awkward motherfucking piece in the group's motherfucking puzzle.

Bobert Clicker, genuinely, smiling: "So this is going to be like forty minutes of straight up acting! How fun is this going to be?!"

Me, answering, i don't fucking know why: "No fun at all." *looks at table*

---silence---no reaction from anyone at the table----SILENCE---

then Lori Sharpie and Natalie Tran continued to ask the group what everyone thought; i pretended to contemplate the questions but came up with nothing. i did a lot of looking at my computer screen with some facial expression resembling extreme confusion (i knew this was bad but couldn't lessen it no matter how hard i tried). i was hit with a massive headache half way through and thought it best to periodically poke my forehead with two or three fingers, and slurp my emptied iced coffee obnoxiously. oh yes.

at one point (it's all a blur) NatalieTran asked, "Meghan... who do you want to be?" *once again, i pretended to think about this, but came up with nothing.* "'Cause I really picture you as Pam [from The Office, which we're modeling our act off of]." Then I say, as if this was so obvious and I had been thinking it the whole time, "Yeah!  ....wait, what?" (because that's a little insulting if you think about it.)

when i gathered from what people were muttering to themselves that it was time to go, i got my shit together quickly and stood up. except no one moved. but i thought it was weird to sit back down, so i just stood over the table for the next 10 minutes. at some point, when i was mindlessly stretching my calf muscle, Natalie Tran said that we should all work hard on the script this weekend because we have to perform on Tuesday. Without any thought to how this would play out, i said, "Well, since i pretty much carried the group today, I don't really know how much work I have to do......." i thought i was being obviously sarcastic, but i was met with no response from everyone at the entire table. and i think i saw jessica momentarily look confused and natalie tran momentarily allow some expression of irritation to appear on her face.

that painful motherfucker of a moment passed slowly and people were starting to pack up (and natalietran and bobertclicker were flirting ????) so i took that as a my signal to leave. i walked out the door. without saying anything to anybody. as im walking to my car i glance inside and see that everyone's still sitting there. i pause in the middle of the parking lot to stare at the ground and face-palm myself. as im getting in my squeaky car door, i hear Lori Sharpie shout, "Goodbye, Meghan!" and I reply in the highest pitch I've ever heard come out of my mouth, "Goodbye, girl!"

my windows were open and 89.3 was blasting "surfin' safari" by the beach boys, which at the time i found profusely humiliating. i sped out of that place and seriously contemplated enrolling in some sort of social training program. bottom line, i hate myself.




ADDENDUM:
JUST REMEMBERED THIS! (please god let me stop remembering things from this occasion)
as i said before, bobert was late, and i was sort of facing the window, so i kept looking for him. i saw some guy with a yellow stillwhiter parking tag on his mirror pull into a parking space so
i said, "oh i think he's here.... haha he's wearing white sunglasses [they were really dumb looking]."
then natalie was like, "really...ha..white? wait, what color is the car?"
me: "black"
natalietran: "oh it should be a grey car"
me, muttering: "so then this is some other douchebag"
--SILENCE--
WHAT?! WHY DID I SAY THAT?! FUCK ME JESUS H. CHRST