too personal

i hesitate to call today a "bad" day. theoretically, it should've been great.

chemistry we had a quiz, i did poorly, but i've been completely desensitized to doing poorly in science: i've been putting in shitty effort and yielding shitty results since forever (all my parent-teacher conferences at vc centered around trying harder at "theme" and just like, doing better, at math.)

gov was a lecture day, which i always thoroughly enjoy I DON'T CARE HOW THAT SOUNDS. my teacher is a good talker and the subject manner gives me such a jolt: not because it's all that interesting, but because being in that class doesn't give me reason to fantasize about stabbing my eyes out with my pencil (a rarity.)

spanish....no silent reading?

math... math was awful, but again: desensitized. i'm not sure i even know what a good day in math feels like. at this point, in 5.5 i think it is, i stare at the paper and hear a buzzing. i can't even... no. like i so wish to understand any part of it but i seriously think i have a learning disability specific to math. which sounds like an awful thing to just throw around, but i've never experienced this kind of frustration before. so i talked to my "math buddy" the whole time and it was fine, despite her habit of summarizing the plot of television shows i've never seen, episode-by-episode.

english was A BITCH. but a relatively fine bitch because we had a subsitute and it was a workday. i say "a bitch" because everyone was treating me like one and i don't understand why. we were working on these complex skit presentation things and i'm in a group with a katie, an ingrid, an allie, an ashley and a jenna... it's hard... anyway, whenever i would say anything, they either ignored me or gave me the bitchiest looks. it was perplexing because i've never personally attacked any of them, and i DON'T FUCKING GET WHAT I DID. then, i volunteered to play a character and katie was all like, "are you sure you can handle that? are you capable of being that funny? being him is a lot of pressure, don't you think? [completely serious]" and i was like what the fuck, man, and gave her a really frightened look. and then allie was all like, "oh yeah, she's hilarious." and i was all like what the fuck and just continued with the scared face. this may seem like nothing but it made for a HIGHLY EVENTFUL INNER MONOLOGUE WHEN IT HAPPENED, LET ME TELL YOU.

i had an inadvertently hilarious lunch. sociology was not at all traumatizing, as usual (thank god.)

then i had to drive home. for some reason, lately, driving home is a seriously daunting task.

and i say all of this knowing full well that you all will continue to do yo' thang and pretend/forget i ever wrote this, and that is what i expect and what i honestly hope for.

because molly has basketball and tessa has a life, i drive home alone most days. i don't like this, at all. i feel retardedly lonely and unjustifiably anxious.

it's not the driving, but it is the whole experience that depresses me. the weather is sad, my car is sad, i have no one to talk to and only shitty music to listen to. i come home and i'm alone with my sadness. and after 2:15, i pass all my peers and friends and acquaintances and for some reason that makes it exponentially worse. i'm self-conscious of their judgment and i'm jealous that they get to enjoy the privilege of transportational friendship (?). it's the fucking weather, it's the fucking loneliness*, it's seeing the exhaust coming out of my car in my rearview mirror, it's the frustrated crying after that and it's the feeling that i can do nothing to change anything.


at first glance i'm a methodical person--i like to plan events, i like to stick to those plans, and i'm usually punctual. but i'm actually very impulsive. if i have depressive feelings, i will do anything that might make me feel better. and when i encounter these feelings daily, i don't just go home and watch tv and eat some chips or take a nap. shit happens... i'm not saying shit happened...i don't even know that that might entail... but like, here's an example:

yesterday, it was the same as today, except i was less angry at the fucking world and more detached and dejected. i had my wallet, so i went to chipotle. i ate an entire burrito. here's a surprise! going to chipotle alone and eating that much does not numb the pain (whaaa?). when i got home, i took an alka-seltzer fueled (need-to-know-details here) nap and then went to caribou to do homework. only no one could do homework with me, which deep down i completely expected. so i sat there at that four-seater alone, downed a large coffee and got down to business...on tumblr. and then i came home and felt the same exact way i had been feeling since 2:15. i did something similar today, except less food and more assorted pseudo-medications mixed with angry texting (sorry).

i didn't write that, once again, to get a reaction or to let the world know my problems. don't comment unless you want to tell me i'm being an asshole. i just like to blog, YA KNOW THAT, HUH.

*if you were wondering, i don't just throw this word around for the fucking hell of it. seriously. a lot of the time, i thoroughly enjoy being alone; feel independent and empowered. but i hate being lonely.