chucked up in the mind

so a few years ago when my father was out of a job, i was a very, all-around irritated human being. his mere presence sent me into a mind-spiral so uncooperative, to describe its inner-workings would freak y'all out. and i'm sure i bitched enough about our mostly one-sided feud that it did freak some of y'all out. and now that he is so far out of my regualar life that it would be disturbing if i compared us to other families (AKA sitcom families), i still find him too irritating to tolerate.

our relationship is not a kind one. i don't know why i used that word. but i used to think we couldn't stand each other (i couldn't stand him) because we had nothing in common. but now i think that being around him enough allows my mind to wander to an unfortunately accurate place in which i am very much like him. we have dozens of similarities, a few from genetics alone. but add in all of his wonder into the development of my behavior and personality and we have the makings of offspring. what the fuck am i trying to write? well, if i'm being honest, he reminds me of myself, and i don't like the aspects of our personality in which he exudes. therefore, i hate him.

so, what got me to this weirdly stressful mind place? i'm home alone, eating cereal, too fidgety to sit down and read the cereal box like a normal person. so i take my bowl and start to pace around the house. suddenly, i find myself at the front door. i'm peering out the window, eating my cereal, wondering where all the neighborhood kids are. i had just heard them screaming bloody murder a second ago, and now there's no one to be found.

that's when it hit me.

when my dad was unemployed, he became so bored, that his grown-man figure started to behave oddly childish, and this pissed the hell out of me. he would became heavily involved in television shows (sound familiar?), he would ask retarded questions, pace, and hover, and do all kinds of shit that i found annoying. but one of the worst things he did was stare outside. he was so bored, he would just stare out our windows and watch. watch what? well, the grass move in the wind. watch the kids ride by on bikes. and of course, watch molly and i walk to the bus stop. this was absolutely awful for me. i hate being supervised, and yes, that's not what he was doing, he was just bored, but I HATED IT. when i caught him doing it, my mind went to a fucked up place where he looked like a child molester on the prowl. or that he was an overprotective asshole of a dad, watching my every move to make sure i didn't punch my sister or something (god forbid). but he was just bored. and after all this shit was thown at him in my brain, i stood there and did the exact same thing.


and then i blogged about it.

shit